I used to read these square, rectangular objects called books. Now I mostly read this square, rectangular thing called a screen.
I usually have something in mind when I write a post. Tonight I happened to notice that I published an awful lot on Facebook today, and I wondered what such writing was doing to my ability to put a coherent piece of work together. I've already been out of school for a year, and I haven't much to show for it. Nothing really worth anything. And just yesterday I noticed that my typing abilities were certainly growing thin. I need to do something. I haven't even picked up my degree from Dominguez Hills, although I think it has been ready since March. I can't bear the thought of going up there, and then leaving. It's not sentiment, but guilt that I'm not really, well, you know, doing anything.
Do I really want to teach? I don't want to answer that. I'm scared of how lazy I sound, and even more, how lazy I am. I could be an assistant. I could edit. I want to write. And I kind of want to have a baby. I know that's getting a little bit personal for The College Years, but I can't deny the hormones that are compelling me to need something to suckle. I've been growing these ideas for the past few years, and I need to form them, to manage them in the world of language, but at the same time I'm getting to an age. I'm stepping up to a plate, and there is a expiration date on my time here. I can keep practicing my swing, but sooner or later I'm going to need to connect. It's scary as hell.
I wish I could be more blase about having kids. It's not that having them that worries me. That seems like the fun stuff. It's the choosing. It's the step off the edge. It's the commitment to loving something that will change your soul. Not much does that. There are these neutron stars that form after the explosion of a supernova, and they are so powerful, they are capable of doing the brightest things in the universe, things that are so bright you can see them from any point in the universe, and they have the most power and potential energy of anything known. This having kids thing feels kind of like that, emotionally. Spiritually, I can't think of anything more poignant for me than having a child. So much confrontation.
