Learning

Yeah, this is a "life has taught me something" kind of post. The first thing life has taught me today is that your body and mind cannot be separated. If you are upset in your mind, your body will follow, and vice versa, and so on, and so what? Really. Well, sometimes I feel like my body is reacting to something, and then my mind gets in a very reactive mode. I find something out, and I respond like, well, a small inept axe murderer. All swipes; no hits; annoyed and annoying. I am not alone when I give in to reactionary behavior -- I see the dogs on the The Dog Whisperer do this kind of thing all the time. They get tense, then aggressive, sometimes they bite, and sometimes they get hurt. A tense dog will escalate into aggression easily, especially if another dog reacts to this tension. Sometimes I feel like in my college experience I have been thrust into a pack of diverse dogs, and I'm kind of an unstable one. I'm a kind of runt, a kind of stray (oh dear, I'm just remembering that Blythe posted a blog about us all being dogs, and she categorized me as a guide dog. I'm afraid I see myself more like an unstable Border Collie -- lots of potential, but easily distracted), a kind of moderately successful head case.

And sometimes I will go into a situation, and I won't have realized that I needed to bring some sort of protective armor. Actually, that's not true, although I'd like to think it is. I really don't want to have to wear armor. I'm not going to school because I want to wear the armor of academia. I'm in love with literature, and it seems like I could make a career out of it. So when I'm poked by someone who is in this business because they like the security and helmet that art can provide, I get outraged. I totally overreact. I behave like a tense, threatened doggie -- ears down, tail tucked, teeth bared, ready to snap. I actually feel like I experience an out of control panic or something. It's nuts.

Now I'm not the kind of girl who gets road rage, or assaults people, but I can get into a mode where I won't back down, and that reminds me of canine behavior, too. Dogs struggle for one thing, and that's dominance. If a dog is tense, it's because they are scared that they do not know where they stand in the pack. When I get tense and aggressive, it's usually because I have assumed that someone has questioned my "place" in life. It's rather immature.

So what is the lesson, you wonder? Well, I don't know if the lesson is one that I can easily implement, but in order to experience more balance in my life, I have to practice balance. I have to devote time to meditation. I have to take care of body to take care of mind. I have to breathe. I have to thank God that I have instructors that don't laugh at me when I come running to them panicked that I'm not good enough -- I can imagine they are sick of hearing it. Sometimes I feel like I'm experiencing puberty all over again in college -- am I good enough? Smart enough? Quick enough? Can I really handle this? I know, it's ludicrous.

So thanks for always helping me take my lumps. I will learn from this. Discipline is necessary for any...well, any disciple. I remember when I was learning handwriting, and I had a little book that I was supposed to practice in and would go through it as fast as I could, imagining that if I just got through it fast enough I would improve. I think at some point an aide actually held my hand as I wrote the letters, pressuring me to slow down. It was almost painful -- she wasn't hurting me, of course, but sometimes it's painful for me to slow down and refine my technique. Well, I'm still learning.