Don't I Know You?

Missed a month. Blogging, that is. I don't want you to think I'd decided to, you know, grow a mini-me in my inner regions. December was a tough one. Let's just say that I went through a terrible bout with déjà vu. Sometimes you can just laugh off that pesky feeling that you've been here, done this, before...sometimes you can't, and you have to listen to angry music, mope around your house, refrain from activities you enjoy, and drink a lot. Thank goodness for therapists, and good friends, and that literature doesn't just get up and walk out when things get rough.

This is just the beginning of my ease back into activities that I love, so I don't have any literary analysis to share, or any real news. I've been inexcusably lazy about applying for grad school. I've been terribly discouraged...by a number of things, not the least of which is the state of the State, and Nation. I can justify my love of literature and my pursuit of education that springs from that love, but I can't justify spending thousands of dollars on at least two more years of University when jobs are nonexistent. Alright. I know it's really not that hopeless. There's also some truth in the idea that maybe, I just might be, I could possibly be, you know, scared to apply. It just never goes away, this feeling that I'm not good enough. But I must apply to at least two second tier schools, so that I don't feel like a total idiot. I really don't want to. I don't want to do the work. It's grueling, and stressful, and for me, this is an utterly personal dream. I don't have any parents telling me how proud they are, I don't have any pressure to get this done. I just have a relentless desire to read and write. Sometimes, I wish I were a man. When men pursue their dreams, they are hardly ever asked why, or why they're not interested in putting around the garage, or pushing the corporate button on demand, or, I don't know, growing a baby in their junk. Oh, don't listen to me.

I don't want to be getting more bitter...I swear. I just need to pull out of this winter slump, allow myself to have dreams and to pursue them, and, I don't know, maybe take a swim in the ocean somewhere.

"There's no pills for what I fear..." -- Neko Case