So. Lately, it's been all about food for me. I'm trying to sort of cut out rediculous thinking/obsessing from my life, and food has been taking the place of real happiness for me. It hasn't always been about food. At one time it was about boys, and at another it was about music, and at another it was about wearing black lipstick. So somethings I've outgrown, and it's kind of nice that I chose lipstick and not tattoo ink, because if I was sitting here as I speak with the lower back tattoo I desired as a teen, I would be depressed. Ugh. It's so rediculous, I can't even write it. Sigh.
But that's not the point. The point is, I, like, I imagine, several Americans, like to obsess about things, and things are really not the point, are they? I like to fixate. Okay. I admit it. I like to obsess over things. So.
Do you ever wonder, like when you're trying to do something positive in your life, if you're always just banging your head (and not in a good way, Blythe) against a wall? I often feel like a wind up toy that imagines it's getting somewhere. Spinning my wheels. Like, now, I'm on a 10 day cleanse. There's no food -- just drinks. And today, on day four of this cleanse, I began to have dramatic energy, and my vision almost seems better, and I'm a little hyper -- and I'm thinking, hey, this is really great. I like having energy! And I'm hyped about how our culture is all about food, and about how we really live our lives around food -- and I'm thinking, this is great! Not having to have to think about eating -- though it is very hard, very hard indeed. I'm missing tastes and chewing and everything -- but I feel strong! And then I begin to think. And I think: Obsessing over food vs. obsessing over the absence of food. And on one hand I think b wins, because b is kind of happy and almost feels high at the moment, and a is usually grumpy and weak.
So I'm glad I'm on the cleanse, and I'm hoping that it leads to better health overall -- and I'm afraid of sabatoging myself. I'm really good at that. But I will go to the beach this week. I will!
Thanks for being there. I know this must be the worst post ever. Thank you for being a friend.
2 comments:
Dude: I FAR outrank you, as far as I can tell, in obsessing over crap about which I can do nothing. Last night, I actually had a nightmare that I couldn't get a boarding pass for my plan (fun times at mom's); anyway, then I stayed awake from 3AM to 6AM (this is WITH a sleeping pill). And, just for the record, I have never even made it ONE DAY on a fast. Nope. The problem is....I'm a breakfast girl. I miss brekkie, and I am a horrible, awful, no good, terrible excuse for a human being. So there goes the fast. I did go on a month long "no drinking" fast and lost 5 pounds. Hmmmm.
Okay. I'm a breakfast/lunch/dinner/snacks/dessert/beer/wine/liqour girl and more. I adore food. I adore the culinary arts. I adore cooking. (Which I've still done -- for others.) My downfall is that I dwell in extremes. I am either a connoisseur of food with a neverending appetite -- or I'm on a fast. My life screams for moderation. It begs me. Please. Give us some stability. So after I finish this cleanse, I'm going to live my life -- six small meals -- no processed starch. I'll be back to wine, I suppose. Not bad. Of course nothing is off limits, but nothing shall be indulged if it is boredom or emotion prompting the desire. It's just a way to live your life. Oh, and 6 days at the gym. Hey, I have to be in a bathing suit with family who have cameras in December. This current shape doesn't film well scantily clad. That should be written better. This shape, scantily clad, doesn't look well on film. Is that better? I don't know.
And you can have the trophy for more obsessive, if you want it. I'm just sick of second guessing myself. I'm good at thinking I'm wrong, because the part of me that accuses me of being wrong gets to be right. It's a sickness, really. Although I'm sad and a little startled that Fall is coming up so soon, I'm glad to get to be in your and Brandon's weekly prescence again. Oh the discussions we'll have! Oh the beer we'll drink! (Maybe wine for me. Beer that flows like wine!)
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